Childfree

This is a revised update of an earlier post. I was told that what I said was a little harsh, and in rereading it I found that to be true. I want to state our opinion, but not hurt other people. So here is a slightly softer version of what I was trying to say. 

I've discovered something in the last few months. Once you get married, everyone starts talking about having kids.  It's a topic that comes up with disturbing regularity, and it's surprisingly non-marital status specific, as far as the asker is concerned. What I mean is we get these questions from both married couples with kids, married couples without kids, and singles, almost equally. Questions like:

"How many kids do you both want?"
"Aren't you excited to start a family?"
"Aw you're such a cute couple, you'll have adorable kids!"


It doesn't seam to matter that we've said we don't want kids, or that we are living in a foreign country, the subject seams to be everywhere. So in response to all of this, and to let anyone else know, here is our stance on the matter of children.

We don't want kids. Not now, and probably not ever.  Now, having said that I would like to make it clear that we are not kid haters or anything of the sort. We volunteer in several of our church's children programs, and we met at a camp for children. We mentor two kids, and have spent a whole weekend alone with them and survived. We like being around kids... in small doses. But that doesn't mean that we are ready to have kids, or even that we want kids. And there is nothing wrong with that. There is no rule that says just because we're married of over 21 we should have or want children.

 The matter of children was something we discussed in depth before we even considered getting engaged. It's a big deal and we wanted to be sure of our view before we committed the rest of our lives to each other.

We believe that raising children is the single most important and demanding job on earth. It takes a person's whole life, energy, resources, love and commitment. A parent is given the greatest task of all; to care for a human soul. It is the most worthwhile thing a person can do.

We also believe that being a parent is a calling the same as with a missionary, pastor, or teacher. It is something that should only be done if God calls you for it. I would suggest that when God tells Noah and his family to "go forth and multiply" it isn't so much a command as a blessing. Because we believe that having children is a calling, it stands to reason that not everyone is called.

God has a special love for little children. Just look at how Jesus cared for them, or how the are called a gift from God. They are special to Him. And it can be assumed that God wants them to be raised well, and cared for properly, not mistreated or forgotten.

Could it assume that it is better to not create a child, than to conceive a human soul and let it lead a miserable life? I think so.  I will argue that to care for a child is both the greatest blessing, and the greatest responsibility that God could give a person.

And it's a calling that we don't feel. We believe it is better to remain childfree than to have a child for the wrong reasons and hurt that child. The wrong reasons are anything other than God's calling and a deep love of children and a commitment to spending the rest of your life providing, caring, guiding and loving that child.

We have many reasons for not wanting kids, the greatest being the one above. At this point in our life we are not called to parenthood. Another reason is that we simply do not want them. Why should we have a child if we already know we don't like being around them? There are plenty of miserable kids in the world already, who have parents that had them for the wrong reasons or don't care enough about them, so why add to it?

Also, I'm sure everyone reading this knows someone who you would say is a bad parent. For whatever reason, that person should not have had kids. I think it can be said that not everyone (even married couples) should be having kids. Just because someone is married or breathing does not not mean they are capable of taking care of children. Just like not everyone that is over 16 should drive. It's a priviladge that is earned, and a great responsibility. You wouldn't give a car and the keys to a drunk person? So why is it OK to force an even greater responsibility on all married couples just because they are married?

Another reason is expense. While at first this may sound petty, it's a very good reason to at least postpone having kids. Too many people are having a lot of kids and for any number of reasons not being in a position to financially provide for them. Then usually one if two things happen: the kids are not given the basic necessities they need or the parents have to take handouts and are dependent on the government to care for their families. Neither is healthy for anyone involved.

Another reason is overpopulation. No matter if you believe global warming or not, it can not be denied that there are too many people on earth. I read somewhere that in the next few hundred years ( if the population keeps increasing how it is now) we will run out of natural resources like fresh water, forests, and land to grow food. I don't believe this is what God meant when He said to multiply, nor it it being good caretakers of the earth (which, if you remember was the very first thing Man was told to do... even before multiplying) We're not being responsible with our planet, and a lot of its problems are from too many people.


But having said all of this, there is still one main reason we don't want children.

The most important thing in our life, after God, is our marriage. Children too often get in the way of that. Some statistics show that people that have children are more unhappy, and have more marital problems than people that never had children. Our priorities are supposed to be God, our marriage, family, church/ministry, community, world. In that order. Too often in our kid-centric world the children take the first or second place.

That's not OK for me and Cliff.  We want the absolute best marriage we can have, which takes a lot of work! We spend a lot of time working on, smoothing out, and growing our relationship every single day. We make a lot of decisions based on how it will affect our marriage, because it is the most important thing in our lives, after God.

I know people say that having a kid together cements your relationship, and makes it so much better.  And that may be true for that person, but in my experience the most unhappy people I've met have had kids and a crappy marriage. (Not that these always go hand-in-hand)  I've met several couples who have chosen not to have children, for various reasons, and have devoted their time and energy first to their marriage and second to ministry opportunities. These couples have the best marriages I've ever seen, and seem much happier with their life together than a lot people I know or have seen that have kids.

So at least for now, until if God changes our mind, we're not planning on having children.  That's our choice to make. No one else can make it for us.